I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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