How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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