Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
