On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
