my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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