I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
