I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
