I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
