Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
