my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
