What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
