I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
