Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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