my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
