the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
