saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
where are my pants?
in the oven.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
