I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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