i just had sex bonerless
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
