You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize