I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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