oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
