The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
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