he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize