just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Randomize
