When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
