I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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