I CAN MOONWALK!
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
