I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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