careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I stole a fireplace last night.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
