maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Randomize
