Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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