New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
