I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
