Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize