oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
