Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize
