if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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