Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Boobs speak an international language.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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