my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
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