I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
