I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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