When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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