Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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