She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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