He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
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