apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
