remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
