we're chasing vodka with high fives
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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