I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Randomize
