i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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