im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
