I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
