Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Randomize
