Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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