I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
