i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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