It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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